Longings of the Heart

Wow! Today is my SITS Day, and wouldn’t you know it? I wrote down the wrong day. So I am totally unprepared for you here, visiting my blog. But no worries! Welcome! Don’t mind the dust and clutter. I’m glad you’re here and so honored to be the featured blogger on SITS Girls.

I’ve walked this road before, this dusty trail strewn with a few left over pebbles from the childhood of my life. It’s one of my favorite places on earth; and in my heart as well. I wonder where this road is taking me now.

Mere words cannot express what this picture speaks to me, the longings of my heart

Love my grandparents' farm

A barn, my grandfather’s barn, that holds my heart as I stand and gaze from the place I’ve stood so many times before. This sight is forever etched in my mind, but the photo conjures up the feelings that are buried deep within my soul, the longings of which can never be fulfilled again.

My grandparents passed away a year apart from each other, my grandma leaving this world first. They have both been gone for about eight years now. It goes without saying, I suppose, how I miss them, how I think of them often, especially those childhood moments I spent at their farm.

The house was grand, but only in my mind. It was simple, a farm house; functional, homey, comfortable and lived in. The drive on the road and that exact spot where I would catch the first glimpse of the house so warm and inviting still causes my heart to skip and takes me back to those days long ago.

The smells of cooking always lingering; from the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls baking in the morning, (and the time I ate all of them by myself…yes I did and yes my grandma let me!), to the hamburgers frying for lunch and whatever she placed on the table for dinner, all served with love.

The house still stands, but not so proud and tall anymore. It is empty, even though their stuff still filled the rooms and closets, and walls, up until a few months ago, for we have spent this year emptying it of  all these things. It is time. Maybe past time. In truth, it has been empty for many years because those who made the house a home were no longer there.

Or so I thought.

The stuff is a façade that keeps you hooked into the belief that you can go home again, you can go back. It is still there, just like they left it. It is tangible proof that they existed, the lives they wove together into the legacy they left behind is evidenced in the many pictures, documents, saved letters, notes, drawings and scribbled I Love Yous on homemade cards. And the proof is there for all to see, but they themselves are not.

The proof! What do you do with the stuff they lovingly accumulated during the lifetime of their togetherness, the things that meant so much that were folded and tucked away and carefully stored for safekeeping?

The house, for all practical purposes, is empty now, not totally, but soon to be so.


The memories are here in this child’s eye of my mind, but the proof is not.

And sadder still is the house will be sold when all is said and done. This place that my heart yearns for from those yesteryears…gone.

And that makes me very sad.

I lost my grandma when she had a stroke that left her unable to communicate with those she loved for eleven years.

I lost her again when she passed away.

I lost her again when my grandfather died, the link that let us hold a part of her near.

I lost her as we sifted and sorted and went through her things, though I was too occupied to notice, or so I told myself.

And now…I lose her for good as the place I love so well is no longer what it was.

There will be one final losing as I grip firmly onto the time I have left, when the house and the farm that is as much a part of me as the air I breathe is sold to the highest bidder.




30 thoughts on “Longings of the Heart”

  1. I love this post. It describes so well how we go through a process of letting go when in our hearts we don’t want to loose those memories. I went through the same thing with my grandparents and once the house was sold, it felt so final but no one can sell my memories or take those from me.

  2. What a beautiful glimpse at the love you share with your grandparents. Thank you for sharing it with us. May you find peace in your heart and hold close the many memories that they’ve left you.

    Congratulations on your SITS day. I hope it’s a wonderful day for you.

  3. I have wonderful, wonderful memories of visiting my Grandma’s farm as a kid. Her farm was sold when she went into the nursing home, and it was heartbreaking. So many, many memories there. I can see every room and remember where everything was and how it smelled. Someone else lives there now, and they’ve remolded. It’s barely recognizable anymore. How I miss it.

    • I’m with you Colleen. People are offering to buy the place and I just want to leave it like it is, except it is in need of some TLC! One of the hard parts of life.

  4. Happy SITS Day!!!
    I’m glad that you had this post up – I felt like it was about me because I experienced those same feelings of loss with my grandma (she also had a stroke), then when she died and just this past August my grandpa passed away (he would be 99 today!).
    Sweet memories!!!

  5. What a beautiful tribute. I lost my Grandma for good Nov. 1st and understand how you feel. I would love to go back and visit her farm which was sold many years ago. She gave me a clipping of her shamrock plant that I’ve always loved. Every time I water it I think of her. Happy SITS day.

    • That is so awesome you have a clipping of her shamrock plant. I had some of my grandma’s Creeping Phlox but it didn’t make it. I really should get something else before the place sells.

  6. I understand your feelings…losing pieces. My dad passed away suddenly in 2009 and it’s certainly hard to let go. But it does get easier over time. I still have his name in my cell phone because I can’t bring myself to delete the number. It’s like he’s still there in my contact list, my contact to Heaven. Great post!

  7. Oh Laurie- this melts my heart. You so beautifully capture the process of letting go of our closest people we have lived a lifetime with, and how traumatic it is to tare away each piece of our beloved’s presence in our lives.

    Such a passionate post, Laurie. Just beautiful. XO

  8. Happy SITS day and thanks for visiting our travel blog. That barn actually looks a bit like one of my deceased grandfather’s barns. I miss my grandparents as well but my grandmother is still living, I just live so far away from her now. This post definitely made me think of that.


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