Grief Takes Time

I was reading a blog post the other day about grief. This woman at All Our Lemony Things lost her father about three months ago. Apparently some well-meaning friends and family members think she should be at a different point in her grieving process than she is.

Grieving

Grief is a very personal thing. It takes different paths according to where you are in your own life at the time of death, the place of the relationship with the person before they passed away; if you had unsettled business or if you were able to make peace before the person died,  just to name a few things.

I wrote a comment to her post and this is what I said:

I love what you said here. I remember 33 years ago when my 18 year old younger brother suddenly died in a car accident. It took a year for the physical pain I felt to subside. People thought I should be over it way before I was. They didn’t know what I knew, that the loss of someone so close, someone so dear to your heart is a tangible, living, breathing thing. Grief has it’s own path. To follow that path brings healing.

I still miss my brother but I grieved him well, and continue to grieve, even after all these years, when the occasion arises.

Have you ever experience a time when someone thought you should be “over it”?

 

10 thoughts on “Grief Takes Time”

  1. Grief does take time…there is no timetable. It makes me upset to think that people tell people it’s time to be over it. They need to put themselves in the other shoes, and think before they speak…would they like it if someone told them to be over it?

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  2. It takes a lot of time to grieve. Each person grieves differently. I have lost 2 family members all w/in 9 months of each other. One being my Brother-In-Law 3/13 and my Grandmother 12/13. It is very hard at times when people feel, or say, we should be over it already 🙁

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    • I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. How sad to lose them both so close together. You never really get over losing someone you love. And you are right, grieving takes a lot of time.

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  3. 7 weeks after my sister died suddenly (now 6 years ago), my husband (at the time) said I was succumbing to my grief instead of moving on. That sums up the support I had from the one person I thought I could and was supposed to be able to count on. Less than two years later he was engaged in an sexual affair (or a “serious relationship” he said) partly because he claimed I “just couldn’t get over it and see all that I still had.” An untrue excuse if ever I’d heard one. He was wrong on so many things, including this … and I ended up going through grief all over again with the end of our marriage, then my uncle’s passing, then my Dad’s death. My lesson learned, don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty for the grief you feel – it is part of life and part of growth and healing and travels at its own pace. Love, which is patient, kind, and compassionate, will help along the way. Anything less is not love.

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    • So sad that the person who was supposed to be there for you wasn’t. There are always lessons to be learned from the hard things in life. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. When my mom died, my uncle who had lost a child to leukemia told me to be prepared for the tears even 20 years later; to being overwhelmed unexpectedly by grief. As he stood in my parents’ kitchen, tears were running down his face. How that has helped me through mom’s and later my dad’s deaths. I have really been missing her lately, 30 years later. My husband will sometimes say, I miss my mom. Grief is a hard and tender emotion that may fade in intensity but will never go away.

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  5. I lost my Dad a little over a year ago. To this day, every time I think about him, my eyes well up. I agree that there is no set “time” when grief subsides and I also agree about how it affects each of us differently. And, my Mom is not well (she’s 83), so knowing her time is on the calendar makes it harder. I think I’ve been “grieving” for both of my parents for many years as their bodies have forsaken them and old age takes over. It’s always hard when you love and that’s the price of loving. I’ve written many, many posts on our blog about grief and elder care because sharing has helped me cope. But, I’ve never had anyone (yet) tell me I should be “over it.” Not sure how I would handle such insensitivity.

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    • I felt the same way with my grandma. She had a massive stroke that left her unable to talk and bound to a wheelchair. She lived that way for 11 years before she passed away. I felt like I lost her twice. Hard stuff, aging parents. I feel your pain.

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